[First there is a face. There is a trimmed mustache, and squinting brown eyes. Then the face tilts back and turns into Tony Stark, cracked out of his armor and in the clothes he had been wearing underneath. He looks off-screen.] Not bad. [Referring to the bracelet.] Almost as good as mine.

Wish I could say this is the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. [This isn't even the first time he's been kidnapped.] I've been shuffling things around and trying to calculate the numeric value for bullshit. But then we have this little ditty: "The laughter and tears of all travelers will become strength both for you and the greater good." So basically group therapy-slash-bongo drum circles every Tuesdays and Thursdays, pot brownies optional?

Okay. Granted it's been a while since I leafed through Prose Edda. I don't remember it being this--[A quick, circular motion with his wrist.]--well-adjusted. It's more like human sacrifices, eye-gouging, and 'in the beginning, the gods made the earth and heaven out of history's first murder victim.' [He stops for a beat. One might even speculate that he's pausing for breath, because spoiler tag: Tony still needs to breathe through his chatting.] So basically a 'we're walking on corpses, whoa-oh' kind of thing.

This is Viking mythology as told by guidance counselors. And I met Thor like three days ago. You think you know someone, and then you find out they came out of a Care Bears movie. And then you judge them.

But it looks like everyone else is buckling in for the long haul, so here's a few things I'm going to need.


[TEXT]

Soldering station
Approx. 500 liters of coffee
Welding gear
Computer